Kids will be kids held accountable for their actions.
A few weeks ago, we had an incident. One where, as I saw it, Mayhem opted for the mean girl route.
Mayhem felt she had been wronged in a game she was playing with several other kids, and rather than taking an approach of talking to the other kid (or any of the adults in charge), she lashed out a bit. She said to some of the other kids, “I don’t know how you can even be friends with (him/her)”, which set off some drama.
Luckily, the adults in charge quickly caught on to what was happening, diffused the situation, and made the kids come together to discuss what had happened. Mayhem walked away having apologized, and with a different approach she can use the next time she feels like something unfair is happening.
As for Keith and I, we watched it unfold from afar, not really knowing what had happened, but seeing that our kid was involved. The adult in charge came over to tell us what happened and how they handled it, and in that moment, I was so grateful to have my kid involved in something where she would be held accountable for her actions.
We went home and discussed the incident as a family, and reminded Mayhem of the book we were reading all about bullying. Irony, no? We explained that it’s OK for her to be upset when someone else isn’t playing fair, but reminded her that we don’t know why that person behaves the way they do. We told her that it’s absolutely OK for her to speak up anytime she believes that she or someone else is being mistreated. But HOW it’s handled is equally as important, and it’s not our job to ‘put them in their place’. Karma’s got that covered.
We asked Mayhem how she’d feel if she got the reputation for being a bully or a mean girl. She understood immediately. And to show her how we take responsibility for our actions, I let her read the text message I sent to the other mom, explaining that we had spoken to Mayhem about the incident and assuring her that it wouldn’t happen again. Because, we believe, parental accountability is equally as important.
And then I took to a Facebook group to commiserate. While I was looking for more ideas on what other tools we could put in Mayhem’s toolbox, when it comes to handling such situations, 90%+ of the responses were “Kids will be kids – that’s not a big deal.”
Disagree.
Lots of people reminded me that Mayhem misses out on these kind of daily interactions that ‘regular school’ provides. With lots of emphasis on the daily. People shared their own stories of their kids being mistreated or mistreating others, with a reminder that it’s all a part of growing up. There was also a whole lot of “this doesn’t even come close to the kind of mean stuff we deal with” with more “not a big deal at all” thrown in for good measure.
Agree on the growing up part, still disagree on the ‘not a big deal’ part.
Every time our kids hear us saying “kids will be kids”, it gives them an out. It lets them off the hook. And it does nothing to hold them accountable for their actions.
And how long does this go on? When are they not a kid anymore? When is the right time to start holding them accountable? If second grade is too young, how about fourth? Or sixth? Or ninth? Or twelfth?
I’m one hundred percent aware that kids will make mistakes. I get that they’re learning and growing and developing, and figuring things out. They’re emotional and don’t necessarily have the tools to deal with all those big feelings just yet. And yeah, some of those mistakes are going to result in hurting someone else’s feelings sometimes. It’s going to happen.
BUT.
When kids mess up, we’ve got to help them to know why they messed up. Help them to understand the hurt they may have caused. And give them some strategies to use the next time. They may be kids, but they’re people too. Smart little humans who are absolutely capable of learning and empathy.
And the sooner they understand accountability, the better. Same goes for parents.
IMHO, of course.
This is EXACTLY how I raised my two and they are now strong, smart, well functioning young adults. You are correct “kids will be kids” but I believed it was my job to raise them to be adults that no longer acted like kids. My job was to teach them, not to justify what they did. You got this!
thank you so much – love your sentiments! “teach them – don’t justify their actions” 🙂
I enjoyed reading your insightful and inspiring post.
Our job as parents is to keep them safe, healthy, and provide education. They do what they’re taught or rather, they fail to do what they’ve not had modeled and discussed. Every encounter is an opportunity to teach and hold children accountable.
All the best!
Holly
thank you so much – I agree completely – every encounter IS an opportunity!!! 🙂
When you start to see things go a bit off-track, THAT is the time to nip it in the bud! Just what happened in your situation- Bravo to the adults involved!
Angie,
I thoroughly enjoy following your blog and your daughter’s social media posts. Although I did not home school my daughter, I raised her following the same principles that you are raising your daughter with. She is 32 now and has often thanked me for being the “involved” parent. She appreciated having limitations and consequences when she went out of bounds. She is/was grateful for the discussions we would have where I could explain the bigger picture to her. She sometimes dreaded this part but later knew that it helped her grow as a person. Hold fast to what you know is right in your heart. Raise your daughter to be a strong intelligent young woman. The world will be a better place due to your efforts. Thank you for sharing your experiences as a mom. You are a great example for other moms!
As a teacher, who hears regularly that these moments are a part of life and to not worry about it, your article is exactly what I try to stress everyday. I always take the time to have my students reflect on their actions and have them discuss alternative ways to address future situations. This is such an important teachable moment that each child can carry on with them and can only improve them as individuals. They truly are smarter and more self aware than many give them credit for. Thank you for you affirmative perspective!
Yes yes and yes!!! If we teach our kids these things when they are young, and model it in our own lives – how much better will our world be when they are adults!
And yes, kids will be kids, which is why we need to teach them how to be kid, caring, loving and compassionate…. because they won’t always be kids…
x
I loved this! I loved the fact that there was a village that didn’t quietly take their kids away from your daughter and whisper about her behavior behind her back. I love that they came and told you. I love that you took the adults’ side and linked arms showing in solidarity for your daughter what is ok and what isn’t. I also love the fact that you don’t think “kids will be kids” is ok. When I had my first son, I was shocked by how many boy moms ahead of me said, “Boys will be boys…” I thought to myself for a while and started answering back, “Yes, but isn’t it our job to teach them to become gentlemen?”